I’ve always thought to myself that change is such a scary, yet fascinating word.
There will always be changes in our life. I think it is both scary and fascinating how one’s feelings could change. You said you think so too.
It feels like just yesterday we were laughing on your couch, with your arms around me. I felt safe. And warm. As if I’m home. As if you’re my home.
There will always be changes in our life━ but I didn’t know that it will come to us this quick.
“I don’t know,” you started to talk first, breaking the silence. “Is it me who can’t make you happy, or is it you that can’t be happy with me?”
I can’t find any words to say. You’re still the same Mahesa Antares that I know. You still have that pretty smile, you still talk to me in that delicate voice of yours. You’re still the same. But why can’t my feelings stay the same?
“I don’t know what to say,” I said, not even dare to look at you in the eye. “I’m sorry.”
It would be better if you get mad. But you’re still you, the kind, warm, and selfless you. That’s why I loved you.
“I understand,” you said that instead. “I’m sorry too…”
Hearing the word sorry from you was too painful for me. I could feel my tears falling and the next thing I know, I was in your embrace.
“You have done nothing wrong, Sa.” I told you. “Please don’t say sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s me, I’m the bad one.”
“No, you are not.” You replied. “We talked about this before, right? There will always be changes in our life. There’s nothing I can do to change your mind. Or change the way you feel about me now. But I don’t blame you. And I want you to not blaming youself either.”
I went home with the worst feeling that day.
I cried while staring at the ceiling that night. One new message from you and I remember crying even harder after that.
[Mahesa: I want you to know that even though things went like this between us, I’m always here.]
